The Secret Writings of the Fabulous Mr Coconut
by SmileGoodSir
Summary: For years, Total Drama fans have pondered what the legend simply known as Mr. Coconut thinks and feels about everything really. Is the coconut just a fruit? Or is he far more complex than that. Well, through his own writings, Mr. Coconut will reveal who he truly is.
1. Journal 1

**Journal Entry #1**

Before I begin to write what I am going to write, there is probably something you should know about me. It's rather important as this fact is what makes me who I am both on the inside and on the outside

I'm a coconut.

Yes, a fruit. A beautiful, sexy fruit if I might add.

Life isn't easy this way. Having no arms or legs or a way to speak is actually really tough. Sometimes I wish that my red berry smile was never put on me by my fat blob of a creator. Come to think of it, the kid was so obese and insane I'm surprised he didn't devour me and my coconut brethren. Thank the good Lord he didn't. I've seen that happen far too many times.

But that's not really relevant as I've persevered and moved passed that. I've overcome my weaknesses. My short comings. I've learned how to roll around so I can do things and go places. As a matter of fact, that's how I'm writing this journal I have here. I am writing words in the sand using my entire body.

It is rather difficult, but I'm going to do it anyways. I've only got till someone finds me and eats me, because I am very delicious, so I have got to live my life to the fullest.

And I must do so as an honorable coconut should.

Now, I would write more, but the tide is coming in and I don't want to be taken in and then float away to the middle of the ocean. That would make living life even harder that it already is.

Adios,

Mr. Coconut.

* * *

_Was it good? Hope so. it was certainly fun to write. Anyways, see ya next time! God bless and good night. :)_


	2. Journal 2

Dear Journal,

Hello again. I, the great Mr. Coconut have returned. You may stop your weeping, I know it must have depressed you not to be in my presence. You're probably wondering how a journal can weep. Well, since I am a coconut that's able to move and think, I've come to the conclusion that anything is possible, really.

Anyways, today something amazing happened. Something magical. I actually met a being that was like me.

It wasn't a fellow coconut though. No, it was a potato.

This potato had black markings that made up his face. It was so poorly drawn that it keeps me from saying he was a handsome potato. Although, no one can compare their looks to the looks of mine.

I'm just lucky to have been blessed with such beauty. But I digress.

I assume the spud had figured out how to roll about just as I have. I would ask him, but alas, neither of our drawn mouths could open so we just sort of sat there in total and awkward silence until a seagull came and took him away.

Poor potato. And poor seagull too, because right as the thing took flight a UFO appeared and abducted it.

Yeah. You see some very odd things when you're a lonely coconut rolling around on the beach.

Well, that's all for now. I need to go make sure my green hair looks okay. I've got a hot date with a woman rock.

And no, I did not make her up, thank you very much.

Adios,

Mr. Coconut

* * *

I think this is going to be one of my favorite things I've ever had to write. X) God bless you guys and good night.


	3. Journal 3

Dear Journal,

Hey, you know what I've discovered today? Two things.

One, I know my creator's name. It's Owen.

Two, I HATE HIM. He is the most annoying blob of fat I've ever met, and, no, it doesn't matter in the slightest that he is the only annoying blob of fat I've ever met.

So, how did Owen and I cross paths again? Well I was on the date with the lady rock I spoke about in my last journal when he came in through the thicket sprinting horribly. Seriously, I'm a coconut with no legs and I know that you are going to shin splints no matter what when you're running like that.

But I digress.

Anyways, Owen saw me and started to smile, at first I thought he was going to eat me, but instead he was way too ecstatic to see me. And not in the 'Awww he remembers me' kind of way, it was just sorta creepy for this weirdo to look at me as if I was his long lost wife.

So he starts blabbing to me about how he was running from Chef since he was mad that he 'ate every last blubber nugget', whatever the heck that is, when he sees my lady rock and assumes that I was trying to go somewhere and that the piece of granite was in my way. So he did the logical thing anyone would do. He picked her up and chucked her into the horizon.

...

...Um, has anyone ever taught him about assuming? He's made an *** out of him and I.

So while I'm thinking words that no fruit should ever think, he starts blabbing about food and Izzy and Noah and I wished I could tell him I didn't care and how he's probably killed my date.

But then the absolute worst part happens.

He begins to fart excessively.

I'm not quite sure what happened after that, because the fumes knocked me unconscious.

When I came to, Owen was gone and choirs singing 'Hallelujah' went off in my brain.

Adios,

Mr. Coconut

* * *

_:) Hope this was entertaining, God bless and have a great day!_


	4. Journal 4

Dear Journal,

Today I gained it all and then lost it all.

As I was rolling through the forest I stumbled upon a case just lying there in the open. Just sitting there on the ground. Its color was gleaming silver, I was even able to see my sexy self in a reflection.

But then I saw a label that let me know exactly what it was. The million dollar case.

What it was doing there, I have no idea. But did I care? Of course not. It's a million dollars that just fell into my lap, I refuse to question something like that. I can use this to make myself better. I could take this million dollars and get me some arms and legs.

Now, you are probably wondering how I'd even be able to use the million dollars, as I am a coconut. Well, that is very simple, I would place my head in the handle and roll to my destiny. It would take months but it was foolproof.

Was being the key word.

Because, as if on cue, Chef Hatchet came into the clearing. From what he was mumbling to himself, he had apparently stole this because he deserved it, and was planning on running off, never to be seen again. And then he just picked up the case! Not even asking if I wanted some. Now, I may be just an apendageless fruit, but I was not about to stand for this. So, with all my might and will power I forced myself to do something I had never done before.

I jumped.

I could not get lost in the awesomeness of this achievement, as i needed to land directly on Chef's foot, which I did. He was hurt, screamed like a little pansy and dropped the case.

Mission accomplished, right? Hahahaha, WRONG.

The case dropped and split open, causing every single dollar to fly into the horizon.

Yes, that's right. Every single dollar just blew away.

When Chef saw this he ran away bawling, whining about how he was never going to get his pony now. I just sighed in my head and slowly rolled back to the beach.

It ain't easy being a coconut.

Something did cheer me up a few hours later though, some interns were discussing a cool news story, supposedly and African village was able to pay for enough supplies for a whole year thanks to 'the great JuJu sending greens from the eastern heaven. So that's coolios.

But I digress.

Adios,

Mr. Coconut

* * *

_Now that my family is all moved in and I have my weekends back, I can actually write fanfiction again, YAY. :) God bless you guys and have a great day._


	5. Journal 5

Dear Journal,

Freaking rocks.

Every single one of those pieces of granite sucks. Even the one i dated recently. The rude things just standing in the way of everyone. How many interns have I heard cry out in pain because they were just lying there on the ground, hoping someone could step on them.

We should place all the rocks of the world onto one big, giant island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and then do massive nuclear tests on the land mass and destroy every grain of rock dust in existence. I can guarantee you their will be dancing in the streets, people will cry tears of joy, exchange gifts, and perhaps even create a holiday to celebrate the long-awaited annihilation of all rocks.

And to make things even better, they will all probably make me their leader since I ended this menace, and people will donate me enough money to give me limbs! And then, I'll hunt down all the rocks left in the world and-

Sorry. I am getting a wee bit extreme, aren't I?

I wouldn't hate rocks so much if what happened to today didn't happen. Nah, you do not want to hear about it. It is just a boring tale, where a stupid rock took one of my leaves (which is also my hair), ripped it from my body, and just took it! Apparently I'm not the only one who has learned to move around.

So I followed him and apparently he is some sort of crazy vegetarian and started writing all sorts of nonsense in the mud. I wasn't about to let him take my leaf-hair without a swift deliverance of repercussion on his sorry rock-arse. So I challenged him to a fight to the death and lost. I'm an angel writing this journal.

Lolz, I'm just kidding. I'm much more amazing. I clearly won.

Hey, why are you crying about that? Shut up, you know you love me.

Anyways, I was able to avenge myself, yays.

Rocks are still evil though. But I digress.

Adios,

Mr. Coconut.

* * *

_God bless and good night! :D_


	6. Journal 6

Dear Journal,

I know what you want to ask me.

"OMG, Mr. Coconut you swaggy beast how was you Xmas?"

Well you want to know what my response would be?

Bah humbug you insensitive twit. And screw you. Yes that's a bit harsh, but I have less than a crap to give. I mean-

...

You know what, I digress. It's not your fault that my Christmas wasn't to good. It's not your fault I'm still hanging from a Christmas tree! Yeah, I think I need to backtrack a little bit.

So a few weeks ago I was just chilling by the beach where I usually write my journals. Whistling a good tune I just came up with, when, suddenly, this woman comes running with her boyfriend down the beach.

Unfortunately she sees me and decides she just must take me home with her. I try to roll away but she's fast and she kidnaps me. She throws me in her car and the fumes of perfume and McDonald's are so strong that I pass out. When I come to, a hook is in my eye hole. Thank God I don't have a cornea or something because it would hurt like the dickens. So I just have and uncomfortable feeling on the top of my hole and a prickly feeling my back. The prickliness caused by the Christmas tree branches.

What the flying heck are branches doing behind me? Well, because these two idiots brought me to their home to use me as an ornament on their Christmas tree.

Sigh...

So, um, for the next few weeks, I just kinda sat there watching them kiss and do awful thing. Watch terrible, sickening movies, I mean, who the ********* watches *********** Movie 43 at Christmas time? WHY?!

It doesn't help these two brain dead donkeys left the lights on the tree on about thirty-nine times and almost burned their house on fire.

So Christmas came yesterday and these two apparently don't have families to go visit because the only people that show up all day are their idiot friends who bring an inconceivable amount of alcohol. That's it. No eggnog. No cookies. No ham. Just what seems like millions of gallons of alcohol. Probably more.

So they all get more drunk than anyone should ever get drunk and puke is everywhere and if I could I would cry. They are literally desecrating everything wonderful about Christmas. I wish Santa would come down through the chimney and give everyone bullets.

Yeah, that is disturbing, eh? I digress.

So then they start to molest every Christmas song by singing them horribly. Then I have to hear them rant about how 'White Christmas' is racist. You know, I would get angry that they are ripping into a song about FREAKING SNOW I realize they are so drunk and so dumb that their rage might be sincere.

So I just wait until they are all unconscious and then I start to cheer. Then as I sigh that the awfulness has died down for at least a little while, I hear the opening credits to something on the T.V. as these electricity-wasting idiots left it on.

Le gasp! It's Elf. I love Elf more than life. Maybe Christmas won't be completely horrible after all.

...oh.

It's in Spanish.

Oh well, it's still Elf. I suppose I'll try to enjoy it. Semi-colon, bracket.

Merry Christmas,

Mr. Coconut.

* * *

_:) Merry Christmas and God bless!_


	7. Journal 7

Dear Journal,

I am so unbelievably pissed right now. I mean, I don't understand how it happened. I was the smartest. I was the sexiest. I was the strongest. I was the tall-, okay maybe not that. But I was the most popular among the fanbase! And yet I was voted out FIRST in the latest season of Total Drama.

I... I digress. Sorry for the rage, journal. This deserves a bit of a backstory.

So the new season of Total Drama was announced, along with the plans to bring back every single contestant who ever competed, including myself.

Now, I was picked up from this beach, and brought to Pahta-pouda-pani-. Oh I don't give a beaver dam. I was sent to some island where all the contestants had already arrived. Some were swearing, some were fighting, some were swapping spit and honestly it made me cry. This is the world's future, folks. I predict once the older generation is gone it will take approximately five minutes before someone presses a wrong button cause they were being an idiot and boom, no more life on Earth. I guarantee that this will happen. But anyways, I got shoved off the dock like seventeen times, five of which was me rolling off on purpose so I could avoid Owen's shell-shattering hugs.

So the season starts and I ignore Chris spewing unneeded exposition that we already know because I hate him for drinking out of my body in TDA.

Then the challenge starts. Something about a race... I dunno, but everyone starts running so I roll after them until I fall into a ditch and stay there for the rest of the day until the end of the challenge when Chris declares that I'm the reason my team lost. Everyone glares at me and wish I could hurt Chris.

So the elimination ceremony comes and Chris tosses out coconuts as immunity items, which I find kind of racist towards all coconut kind. And then it comes down to me and that Zeke weirdo who's still feral. I think it's gonna be me, but somehow these teenagers wanted the freak over me.

Fantastic.

So I'm shot out of a canon, which sends me plummeting to the beach where I normally write these. So, that's nice I guess.

It's been a week since this happened. Owen, Leonard, and Staci have all joined me and this makes me want to cry and acquire some Ibuprofen for my new found migraine.

Happy fun times indeed.

Adios,

Mr. Coconut.

* * *

**A/N -** It's back! :D Hope you enjoyed! God bless!


End file.
